Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
