I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
