So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
