rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
