last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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