All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
