i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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