I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize