just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
