Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
