so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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