I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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