Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
