just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize