there's paper in my vomit.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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