hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
