the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
