onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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