Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Randomize
