i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
