I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
