i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
