just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
