my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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