home. puking in laundry basket.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
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