you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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