she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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