ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
