I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
