i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
