I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
as a side note pls kill me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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