U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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