I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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