I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
