Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
