High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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