My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
