I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
