theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
