I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
