Little spoons don't ask big questions
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
