Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
