I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
