half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
