It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Sext me about skeletons
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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