cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I don't think brook has ever known best
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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