I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
