every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
