Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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