Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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