i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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