does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
