Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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