dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
