don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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