Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
