Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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