and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
