you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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