The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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