DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
